I’m just like this.
I’ve been to a frightening number of doctors, psychologists and other health professionals who have wanted to search out a good, concrete reason for my vagina problems. They’ve wanted to say something like, “ahhhhh, yes. You were molested as a child. Now it all makes sense!” and then be able to prescribe a wonder-solution that would make it all better.
And for the better part of my life, I searched for that wonder-solution too. But to my recollection, I hadn’t been abused, or raped, or molested, or harassed, or injured. Having vaginismus just didn’t make sense. I wasn’t raised religiously, so I couldn’t use God as an excuse. I wasn’t raised in a particularly prude household, so I couldn’t say my sexuality had been stifled. I even contemplated hypno-therapy, convinced that there must be a Reason for my debilitating sexual problems. A Reason hiding in the annals of my subconscious, just waiting to rear it’s ugly head. What else could explain it? Normal people aren’t like this.
I wanted somewhere to place the blame. I wanted something or someone to be angry with.
The truth is, I got nuthin’. The best I can figure is that I’m somehow genetically, or emotionally, or physically pre-disposed to this condition. Yes, some parts of my childhood, or my adolescence, or my university years *may* have contributed to this – but there’s no way to know for sure. So, is there really any reason to place blame?
And it doesn’t matter. Yes, if I was molested, I would have a really excellent focal point for my anger. But I’d still have this condition. And I’d still need to figure out a way to get past it. These are the cards I’ve been dealt, and regardless of how I got them, I still need to learn how to play with them. I can’t give them back. I can’t ask for a re-deal.
One of the most important things I’ve learned from having vaginismus is that sometimes it doesn’t matter “WHY.” Sometimes the search for an explanation just deters the healing. Instead, I focus on the present and the future. I continue talking about it.
Keep communicating. Move forward. Be hopeful.