I’m Just Like This.

I’m just like this.

I’ve been to a frightening number of doctors, psychologists and other health professionals who have wanted to search out a good, concrete reason for my vagina problems.  They’ve wanted to say something like, “ahhhhh, yes. You were molested as a child.  Now it all makes sense!” and then be able to prescribe a wonder-solution that would make it all better.

And for the better part of my life, I searched for that wonder-solution too.  But to my recollection, I hadn’t been abused, or raped, or molested, or harassed, or injured. Having vaginismus just didn’t make sense. I wasn’t raised religiously, so I couldn’t use God as an excuse.  I wasn’t raised in a particularly prude household, so I couldn’t say my sexuality had been stifled. I even contemplated hypno-therapy, convinced that there must be a Reason for my debilitating sexual problems. A Reason hiding in the annals of my subconscious, just waiting to rear it’s ugly head. What else could explain it? Normal people aren’t like this.

I wanted somewhere to place the blame. I wanted something or someone to be angry with.

The truth is, I got nuthin’. The best I can figure is that I’m somehow genetically, or emotionally, or physically pre-disposed to this condition.  Yes, some parts of my childhood, or my adolescence, or my university years *may* have contributed to this – but there’s no way to know for sure.  So, is there really any reason to place blame?

And it doesn’t matter. Yes, if I was molested, I would have a really excellent focal point for my anger.  But I’d still have this condition.  And I’d still need to figure out a way to get past it.  These are the cards I’ve been dealt, and regardless of how I got them, I still need to learn how to play with them.  I can’t give them back.  I can’t ask for a re-deal.

One of the most important things I’ve learned from having vaginismus is that sometimes it doesn’t matter “WHY.” Sometimes the search for an explanation just deters the healing.  Instead, I focus on the present and the future. I continue talking about it.

Keep communicating. Move forward. Be hopeful.

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4 Responses to I’m Just Like This.

  1. Jan says:

    Big love from someone who’s reading. And this is my favourite colour!!!

  2. Vanessa says:

    Hi,

    I’m Vanessa; just found your blog. I’m 31–going on four years of marriage–and have vaginismus. I too have never been molested, raped, etc. I cannot figure out why I have this and the anger mixes with the physical pain and contributes to an even bigger mess in the intimacy department.

    Thanks for being so candid on your blog. I would never wish this problem on my worst enemy but it is nice to know that I am not alone. I will keep reading.

    • eccentrictulip says:

      I’m so glad you found the blog, and that you’re continuing to read! Vaginismus can be really isolating – its nice to know we’re not alone :)

  3. Becca says:

    Thanks for the post. I have REALLY struggled with the why, and its made me so bitter and angry at life in the past. My husband and I have been married for almost five years and never been able to have sex. At this current point I feel more hopeful than ever (because I’ve finally found a great Dr!) but its still that constant battle and question in the back of my head, wondering if it will ever be resolved. Its such a relief to be reminded that I’m not alone, thank you so much for writing your blog, it is such an encouragment to people like me that aren’t quite that brave. ;)

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