So, I’m back on the dilating bandwagon. Full force, I might add. My physio has tasked me with doing homework EVERY DAY (I think it might be because I cried at my last appointment when she mentioned having children – because, as I mentioned before, everybody’s makin’ babies).
But why did I fall off the wagon, you ask? A stinkin’ UTI (translation: urinary tract infection). It’s the second one I’ve ever had, BUT the 1st one I ever had was only a few months prior. So, not only was I in peeing hell, but I felt like I was on an emotional “you’re never meant to have sex, you moron” rollercoaster. Add to that the fact that the antibiotics somehow made me unbearably tired, to the point where as soon as 4pm rolled around, I was out like a light most days. And then immediately after my UTI cleared up, I got my period.
So much for dilating and accommodating.
And I hate writing about all of that because it sounds like a whole bunch of excuses. Which, to be fair, it is. No one wants to be putting anything into their va-jay-jay when it burns when you pee.
But it was more than that for me….my vag pretty much went into shock. And I turned into an emotional tortoise, pulled way back into my shell and moving at a snail’s pace. I was not in the mood for homework, both physically and mentally, and I honestly started thinking that maybe I’m just not cut out for this. Maybe these UTI’s and vaginismus and panic attacks are all signs that I’m just not meant to enjoy a normal sex life. And maybe I’m just not meant to be a mother.
But, y’see, that’s unacceptable to me. I am meant to be a mother. And although it’s harder for me to convince myself of this – I know that I deserve to have a normal sex life.
So, big deal….I’m an emotional tortoise. But slow and steady wins the race, right?