So, I spent a good portion of yesterday researching and lurking on other vag blogs. I commented here and there, but mostly did a lot of reading. I also joined an online vaginismus support group via Yahoo Groups.
Gotta say, I’m pretty stunned to find a community out there. When I first heard the word “vaginismus,” I was about 21 years old. My doctor didn’t really know much about it, but she referred me to a gyno, who also didn’t know much about it, so he referred me to a local organization that specializes in sexual medicine. They seemed to know a bit more there, but I still felt a certain lack of….understanding, maybe? I couldn’t find much online, although it was the year 2000. I think the web has come a long way since then.
Regardless, I’m embarrassed to say that I pretty much gave up on learning anything about this scary, weird “vag word.” I just mentally categorized myself as “sexually abnormal” and basically resolved myself to the fact that I likely wasn’t going to have sex until I just sucked it up and forced it to happen, pain, panic and all. I suppose I suspected there were others out there like me, but it seemed like an insurmountable task to try and locate them.
Thankfully, the web has expanded, research has improved and I’m surprised to learn there are a lot more resources out there. And people are talking.
I’m also thankful to learn that I’ve actually come a really long way. I read multiple stories online yesterday about women who can barely even look at their dilators, let alone use them. I read about women who can’t sit down because their vulvodynia is so bad. I read about women who can’t speak to the partners about the big old bad “vag word”, or women who have lost partners because of it.
I’m lucky. I’m still battling, but I’m on dilator number 6 (my set has 7). My vulvodynia is manageable, if not totally non-existent, if I concentrate on breathing and relaxing. My hubby has stuck around through the worst of it, and has been incredibly involved in all the vag work I’ve been doing.
I think my biggest hurdle is the panic and anxiety, most of which is manifested in my own brain. I need my brain to make friends with my va-jay-jay.
Crazy brain – meet nervous va-jay-jay. Nervous va-jay-jay – meet crazy brain. Now go off you two, and learn how to play nicely together.